Ramblings on libraries and life upon the wicked stage

So, I rather enjoyed yesterday’s post, as it was very cathartic.  I also very much enjoy taking existing songs and abusing them horribly by altering the lyrics.  Since Gilbert and Sullivan are long-dead and very much out of copyright, I’m afraid that the song from The Mikado which started the whole thing off has now undergone a library rewrite.  You really can sing these lyrics to Sullivan’s music, but I can’t imagine why you’d want to, particularly as you have to cheat by giving ‘library’ three syllables.  Mr Gilbert, I’m so very, very sorry…

The Librarian’s List

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
Of library offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!
There’s the people who break copyright and think it’s not a crime,
The folks who never think, so that their questions waste your time,
All people who would hide the books and save them for their own,
And those who are so arrogant, you’d think they had the throne.
And all the students who on running riot do persist:
They’d none of them be missed.
They’d none of them be missed!

I’ve got them on the list, I’ve got them on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed, they’ll none of ’em be missed.

There’s the bacon-rasher bookmarker and others of his ilk –
We just can’t coexist, so I’ve got ’em on the list.
And people who eat pizza, chew tobacco or drink milk
In the library’s hallowed midst! They never would be missed.
Then the people who assume you know their weight and date of birth,
And those who think that calling you a [BLEEP] is cause for mirth.
The clever ones who think that we’re the lowest of the low,
The stupid ones who cannot tell an index from their toe.
And that singular annoyance, who you simply can’t assist –
I don’t think he’ll be missed
No, surely won’t be missed

Yes, I’ve got him on the list, yes I’ve got him on the list;
And I don’t think he’ll be missed, I’m sure he won’t be missed!

And that idiot who uses Sellotape to ‘fix’ the books
Why couldn’t she resist?  I’ve put her on list!
And leering people, coming in who give us creepy looks
They never will be kissed, and they truly won’t be missed!
Plus the FBI and others, they’re too nosy to abide
Or those who think you’ll never know that they have baldly lied
And anyone who hurts the books – how can they sleep at night?
But I can see this list is rather full, has reached it’s height.
And there’s many other patrons who could surely make the list
And they’d none of them be missed – they’d none of them be missed.

You may put them on the list, you may put them on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed, they’ll none of ’em be missed!